Ignorance truly is bliss. Some days I'd give just about anything to be able to go back to the days of my ignorance. The days when I knew very little about childhood cancer. Back when it didn't affect every single day of my life. I know that ignorance has never changed anything, never made the world a better place, but oh how I long for those more carefree days again. Life was a lot less complicated. A lot less painful.
I should be packing for Utah right now, but I'm avoiding it. I don't want to. I don't want to go. I really don't. Although I'm expecting us to be back home in a week, there's no guarantee. I feel like I did in April of 2011 as I packed up to go to Utah, not knowing how long we'd be gone. Just the possibility of the same outcome again is scaring me. It's usually fun to go back to Utah now. We get to visit family and see all our friends at the hospital again. But with reason to be concerned this time, it doesn't feel the same. Plus our little life is so good right now, I don't want to leave it. I don't want to leave our home. I have projects I'm working on. The bountiful basket that came today had lots of great produce I want to cook with. Annabelle is loving school so much. I'm afraid to leave my comfort zone. I fear that we won't be back in a week to continue where we're leaving off. I just want to curl up in the fetal position and hide in a corner and pretend this isn't happening. I've had dreams the last few nights that I'm praying don't come to pass. So I guess you could say they've been more like nightmares. I wish I could ignore it all and just not go, but I can't. I have to be the mom. I have to be the mature one. The strong, supportive, optimistic comforter. Instead, Annabelle is being the strong one right now. She can't wait to go to Utah and play with legos at the grandparents' house! I'm so lucky to have her. Her positive attitude is such a blessing in my life. So I'll go put on my big girl pants and try to be the mother she deserves.
1 day ago