The Marathon

I have some pictures that I want to share, but I don't have my camera with me and I haven't uploaded them yet, so that will have to wait. We are slowly but surely moving along. This last round of chemo was only Vincristine and Cytoxan, NO doxorubicin. Merry Christmas to us! Doxo is some nasty stuff so I'm glad she didn't have to get it this round. So far Annabelle has felt good, although she is just bottoming out now. We are sitting in clinic getting a blood transfusion and her temperature is .1 degree away from having to be admitted for fever and neutropenia. It's weird how cancer changes your perspective. I'd rather get admitted right now and hopefully get over the fever before Christmas than drive back to Tremonton and get a fever tonight and have to come back! So we'll just wait and see...

A few months ago I read somewhere that cancer is a marathon, not a sprint. I have been thinking about that a lot lately. As a cancer mom, you have to pace yourself and rejuvenate along the way or you'll crash before the end. You can't take off running like a sprint and expect to keep up that pace. Your body can't handle it physically, emotionally or mentally. Last week I felt like I had my first real breakdown since the initial shock of diagnosis. I have been surprised by myself and how well I have been holding up. I would have imagined myself huddled in the corner in the fetal position, crying for days on end, but that hasn't been the case. Of course that isn't really an option, but I haven't felt like doing that either. I've felt strengthened by many prayers on our behalf and sometimes I've been pretty proud of myself and thinking I was doing a pretty decent job of being a cancer mom. While that is still up for debate, I know one thing for certain, I haven't been taking care of myself like I should be. I guess it just caught up with me. Plus flu season has me worried and in super sanitation mode so that Annabelle doesn't end up in the picu like some of our other cancer cutie friends! And Josh's grandpa passed away. So I'm sure it's a combination of a lot of things, but my body had had enough. I was having horrible headaches, super stressed and I just wanted to stay in bed all day and cry. Josh picked up on it all and knew it wasn't like me to be feeling so miserable so he insisted I go to the Dr, and sure enough, my blood sugar was low. It was a wake-up call for me that I need to pay at least a little bit of attention to myself so that I can be the best I can for my family.

So here I am in the middle of this marathon I never wanted to do in the first place. But there's no choice of turning back now and Annabelle needs me. Layla needs me. Josh might not need me, but he would like me to be able to go home so we can live together again some day. :) So I will endure. I WILL endure.