Update and Thoughts

Layla had her very own visit to the hospital on Friday. She was SO excited to be going! We had to be there pretty early so Layla and I went down the night before and stayed in a hotel. I really wanted to take Layla swimming but I didn't know if she'd like it. It has been a long time since we've been to a pool because Annabelle can't swim with her central line in, so this was a perfect chance to take Layla. She was a little nervous the first few minutes but after that she LOVED it. She didn't want to get out of the pool by the end! We had so much fun together. It was just what I needed! Everything went well with Layla's procedure and we're hoping this will bring the end of goopy eyes for her. She has a small silicone tube that you can see in the inside corner of her eye which will (hopefully) stay in for 2 months and then the Dr will remove it in his office. He said it was very obvious that the tear duct had filled back in with scar tissue after the last probing, so hopefully this time it will stay open after the tube is removed. I certainly don't want her to have to have any more procedures done, but let me just say that she is quite entertaining after she gets Versed! :)

And now for a few of the many thoughts running through my head lately...

I have mixed emotions as we near the end of Annabelle's treatment. We are getting close, (only 4 more rounds!) which is very exciting but also a little nerve racking as we head into the unknown. We have been counting down and looking forward to the end of treatment since the day we began, but we don't really know what the end of treatment will bring. I can't want until Annabelle isn't on chemo anymore, but I also fear that the cancer will come back once she stops. I can't stop reading about other kids with Ewing's and researching treatment options for relapse. I just want to know everything I can! I know it's the feeling that I will be in control of something if everything goes out of control again that drives me to want to know more, but that's the control freak in me. I also know, though, that through this trial I am to learn to be more carefree and enjoy each day because I will never know if the next day will bring a relapse.

I believe that Annabelle having cancer was a trial that our family was meant to endure and that it is part of Heavenly Father's plan for us and nothing we could have done or not done would have changed that. But I also personally believe the theory that Annabelle had the genetic make-up to have Ewing's but that there was something that triggered it into action. I would love to know what exactly it was that sent those cells into such rapid production but I know I never will, at least not in this life. However, I have become much more educated and aware of toxins in our environment and foods. I have this desire to want to "go green" to eliminate as many of those toxins as possible. Once again I know most of that is because it is one thing I can control, but don't laugh at me when you see me making my own detergents and cleaners, okay!?! And don't judge me either when you see me drinking a Dr Pepper to keep my eyes open. Josh already thinks I'm crazy because I told him he can't have dessert after every meal and no more sugared cereals! It's easy for me because I like more hearty, grainy like things anyway but I'm sure he's getting his share of sugar in before I move back home. :)

I can imagine that people would think I wouldn't be able to watch movies about people with cancer or read books about it, but for me it's just the opposite. As a coping response to having a child with cancer, I have become numb to many things. I guess it's my minds way of enduring the pain. But as a result I crave things that evoke emotions in me. It just feels so good to feel something, even if it's sadness or hurt. That might sound odd, but I know other people who have been through similar situations will understand and agree. I quite enjoy watching "A Walk to Remember" and crying as I imagine Annabelle having a relapse as someone's falling in love with her. Or "My Sister's Keeper" and being horrified of the thought of a relapse when Layla is old enough to remember seeing things like nose bleeds because of low platelets and intense vomiting. Again, don't judge me, I know I'm weirder than ever now.

What will it be like to move back to MT? I can't wait but at the same time I haven't lived in our house in almost a year. It's been Josh's house (kind of). People will have changed. Things will have changed. (Although you have to understand I am from Drummond, honestly probably not much has changed!) Relationships will have changed. I wonder if kids will be afraid of being Annabelle's friend because she doesn't have any hair. People might favor Annabelle too much and it will only compound the issues we are dealing with of her spoiledness. These are the things that fill my thoughts.

***Check back soon for pictures of Annabelle's Make-A-Wish night! I promise they're coming!!***