Bittersweet

I don't know what to think or how to explain the mix of emotions I am feeling. First, let me give a little update. Annabelle and I have been at the hospital since Monday completing her next to last round of chemo! She just finished getting her last dose of VP16 and Ifofsamide. THE last of those two meds on her treatment protocol. I should never have to see those 2 poisons pumped into my daughter again....EVER! This is our last 5 day round of chemo. The last time I will be forced to get up every 2 hours to take Annabelle to the bathroom for 5 days straight. For that, I am beyond excited! I am looking forward to my sweet little girl being cancer free. I can't wait to get to snuggle Layla every day and not have to leave her all the time. We will get to all live in the same house again, Josh included. I will get to see my husband more than once a month. There are so many good things to look forward to, but there are a lot of things I am going to miss too.

I was walking on the 3rd floor today and there was a volunteer playing a beautiful song on the piano. Right at that moment I realized how much our life is going to change...again. We literally moved to a different state, met all new friends and dedicated the last year of our life to keeping Annabelle alive. I have spent countless hours in this hospital experiencing the worst days of my life and also some of my greatest joys. Most of my memories from the past year took place right here at PCMC. Most of Annabelle's friends have cancer and they live in Utah. My fellow cancer moms are my friends. The nurses, techs and doctors are my friends. In many ways I don't want to leave all that behind. As much as you can't plan anything in the cancer world, the one thing I have known the past year is that as soon as Annabelle's counts recovered, we would be coming in for the next round. Then it would repeat every few weeks. I always knew what was next in line. Now I have no idea what will be coming up next. It will be a different sort of unknown. We will be establishing our new normal. We will have regular visits back to PCMC for scans and follow-up appointments, so it's not like we'll never see these people or this place again. It will just be different. Different in good and sad ways.

My life has been forever changed because of this journey, and I am a better person because of it. I am eternally grateful for that. I know as time goes on we will settle into new relationship dynamics with those back home and those here in Utah, but for now it leaves me emotional and unsure. Bittersweet.